The Plan of Attack: Royal Ascot Week

This is something I wrote up last year, when planning how on earth I could park my car, catch the train from Ascot station, and not totally lose my mind in the drunken toff insanity that is Royal Ascot week.

This is what I came up with:

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1. is platform 2, where the Waterloo -> Reading train stops
2. is where the underground tunnel comes out - normally you'd turn immediately right and go up the steps to the front of the station. But this has security barriers in place to stop you doing that - in fact, there are security barriers in place to stop you even *exiting* the tunnel
3. is where you finally escape the barriers and get into the Jazz cafe carpark - which is filled with marquees and Drunken Fuckers
4. is where the security barrier is based, replete with machine gun toting police marksmen
5. is the entrance to the carpark. So tantalisingly close!
6. is where my car is parked - even more tantalisingly close!
7. is the (normally locked) gate which allows the Honda garage access to the (shared with SWT/Railtrack) carpark - this is how you now exit the carpark
8. is the vehicle entrance to the Honda garage, and where you know exit on to the main road

Looking at the map, two new options pop up:

1) go the opposite way through the tunnel, coming out in a housing estate near QV London (the ace Ferrari mechanics). You then have a 5 minute walk through the estate, under the railway, and then back up the road to 8.

2) from 3., walk out to the road, then down the road to 8.

Both of these assume there would be no police presence at 8., allowing free entrance to the carpark and retrieval of my car!

Royal Ascot opens on Tuesday, which means the defensive perimeter (yes, it's really called that by the security goons who staff it - there were even signs calling it that last time) will be in place, allowing time to check out the defenses this time round.

Amusingly, the gun-toting cops and the security search at 4. is pointless - because if I wanted to commit a terrorist act, I'd do it by blowing shit up at 2., where the crowd is most dense, and contained in a submerge pathway, where you'd do the most damage. Either that or go post in the Jazz cafe carpark.

And you know what the best bit is?

By sharing this all with you guys, when^Wif I get arrested, under the Prevention of Terrorism Act, you will all automatically get arrested too!

How cool is that? Our tax money at work!

Swine Flu Piglet

For the lovely @sazchik, and to the tune of "Pinball Wizard":

Ever since I was a tourist
And I went to Mexico
Then headed back to Brighton
To the hopsital I go
But I ain't seen nothing like him
In any farmer's field
That deaf, dumb and blind pig
Sure has a mean swine flu

He stands like a statue
Becomes part of the disease
Sniffing with a runny nose
And making us all sneeze
He snorts and he snuffles
Passes his germs on to you
That deaf, dumb and blind pig
Sure has a mean swine flu

He's a swine flu piglet
There's got to be a twist
A swine flu piglet
And now the WHO are pissed

How do you think he does it?
(I don't know)
What makes him so ill?

He ain't got no distractions
Can't hear those sirens and bells
Don't see lights a flashin'
The cops are pigs as well
He's now quite infectious
He'll end up killing you
That deaf, dumb and blind pig
Sure has a mean swine flu

I thought I was
The ER table king
But I just handed
My sickness crown to him

The media are in a frenzy
And we're all gonna die
But I'm still eating bacon
My wife is asking why?
He's got crazy freakish symptoms
Pork chops will finish you
That deaf, dumb and blind pig
Sure has a mean swine flu

Rock on!

The Brick Testament

I was recently introduced to this and had to share via Twitter. Key chapters of the Bible have been recreated - in Lego. The build quality and photography are top notch, and the passages chosen are also fantastic.

The Book of Revelation in particular is a great read ;-)

Head over to The Brick Testament for more fun.

Those wacky Japanese

You've probably seen those claw machines at an arcade or shopping centre. Put in some money, try and steer the robot claw to pickup a cuddly toy.

Dull.

The Japanese have upped the ante in claw based entertainment. Mobile phones, pornographic DVDs - and now, boobs.

No, those are not onions or swedes.

That's got to suck

Taken from a 2005 Africa Geographic article titled Shark Detectives. Click through for a larger image and some more great pictures.

Awesome.

Jack Thompson Music Video!

I have to admit, I feel a bit sorry for Jack Thompson. He's yet to win any lawsuits against game companies, he emailed gay porn to a judge in Florida (who was overseeing a hearing to have Jack disbarred), and he's the constant object of ridicule from gamers everywhere.

At least, I feel a bit sorry until I realise he gets paid obscene amounts of money, and until I read the latest lawsuit/media stunt.

Then I laugh. Lots.

Helping the laughter is this awesome video from SarcasticGamer. Everyone sing along!

Technorati Tags:
jack thompson, lawyers, sarcastic gamer, music video, bad hair, baseless lawsuits, alleged paedophilia

US Navy swastika bunker to get makeover

The US Navy Exchange in San Diego is due to undergo $600k of landscaping and changes. Built in 1967 it achieved fame in 2005 when users of Google Maps found that the overhead satellite images of site bore more than a passing resemblance to a swastika.

You can check it out for yourself here.

Apparently the Navy noticed the building's shape when it went up 40 years ago, but did nothing about it because "it wasn't obvious from the ground".

Ignoring centuries of Buddhist use, and focussing instead of the Nazi overtones the building portrays, the Navy now plans to spend $600k to "change the walkways, landscaping and rooftop solar panels of the four L-shaped barracks". Scott Sutherland, deputy public affairs officer for Navy Region Southwest, confirmed: "We don't want to be associated with something as symbolic and hateful as a swastika."

Right. Good use of $600k there guys.

Technorati Tags:
us navy, nazi, swastika, buddhist